Caribou Banned From Herd For Racist Comments

SATIRE | Flamin’ Raven

A two-year-old Caribou by the name of Carl has stirred controversy over his comments regarding the upcoming seasonal hunt, which appear to have left him ostracized by the Bathurst herd.

During a migratory rest stop earlier this week, Carl was overheard expressing his disdain for colonialist hunters.

Migratory rest stops are a chance for the herd to socialize and discuss matters related to herd safety and well-being. The topic of the upcoming hunt was a popular one that day, and Carl’s comments caught many off-guard.

“I hope I don’t get shot this year.” Carl reportedly told a mixed group of cows and bulls. “If I do though, I sure hope it’s not by a white guy. My father was shot by an aboriginal, as was my grandfather, and I’ll be damned if I’m felled by one of these settler fuckers.”

Making matters worse, Carl’s current job amongst the herd is to prepare first-year caribou for the hunt. A spokes-deer for the herd expressed his disappointment regarding the unfortunate comments.

“Carl has been one of our more vocal members for a while, but considering his position and influence over the younger calves, these latest comments are completely unacceptable,” he told Flamin’ Raven.

Other members of the herd have confirmed to Flamin’ Raven that “Carl has a long history of talking smack about white hunters. At just about every single rest stop, he kept on bringing it up over and over. Like, he was weirdly obsessed.” According to Wulfstan, another two-year-old and longtime acquaintance of Carl’s, the young bull would “frequently use almost, kind of, racist language, like verging on it? He’d talk about how ‘those people’ were really lousy shots or call them Europeans and then roll his eyes really meaningfully.”

After a discussion amongst the leaders of the herd, Carl was asked to continue the migration solo.

Others were quick to distance themselves from Carl’s inflammatory comments. Leela, a sandy-haired female who once mated with Carl, said no one else shared Carl’s beliefs about white hunters.

“I would be proud to eventually make my way into the traditional foods of a white hunter, “said Leela. “I could see myself adding some regional flavour to a nice poutine.”

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