Flamin’ Raven: Bevington Faces Tough Challenge For NDP Nom

Candidate offers secret recipe of 11 spices and $1 billion in highway construction funding.

SATIRE | Flamin’ Raven

It’s no secret that the Conservative Party of Canada has long wanted to take out NDP MP Dennis Bevington, so they can claim all three Northern seats. There might not be a lot of people up here, but we sure would colour a big chunk of the map blue. However, EDGE has learned,  the biggest threat to Bevington’s re-election campaign may come from inside his own party.

During the same week that the NDP rolled out star candidate Olivia Chow for nomination in the new downtown Toronto riding of Spadina-Fort York, the NDP once again seized opportunity to put a popular candidate in the election mix with a surprise newcomer: the much-loved, iconic KFC Bucket.

The surprise candidate is a 47-year-old, wildly popular Yellowknife celebrity with zero political background. But Colin L. Saunders, campaign manager for the bucket, sees that as an opportunity, not a challenge.

“The North feels particularly disenfranchised with politics right now, and since KFC was the first big-name franchise to come up here, people see it as a symbol of progress, and pioneering spirit” said Saunders. “I think this campaign is going to have legs. And for an extra $2, all white meat.”

Bevington has already indicated his intention to run again. One of his campaign’s main issues will be extending the federal government’s Nutrition North program to 50 Northern communities where the program isn’t currently available. He also wants a comprehensive review of the embattled program, which has been broadly criticized.

Saunders says that’s another reason the KFC Bucket is the full-meal deal.

“The Yellowknife KFC used to cook and ship large, thousand-piece orders to special events in remote northern communities, as far away as Nunavut. Technically, we’ve performed better than the current Nutrition North program for delivering affordable food,” Saunders said. He added that the KFC Bucket is also more popular with children than any National Daycare program. “And maybe we’ll toss in a couple hundred mill for a road, or a research station or something.”

According to party insiders, the biggest challenge so far has been keeping a lid on the campaign, but the KFC Bucket, who has been keeping abreast of all the election talk, has personally decided it was time to stop winging it and dive in. “Get your popcorn-style chicken bites ready,” says Saunders.

Early polling results have the KFC Bucket showing a 20 point lead in popularity over Bevington.

Note: none of the above is true.

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