Flamin’ Raven: Cabin Fever

That’s a really attractive cabin you got there

SATIRE | Flamin’ Raven

Move over Tinder and Plenty of Fish. There’s a new dating website hitting the local single scene, and it’s already causing a conniption amongst eligible Yellowknifers.

LotLizards.ca is a new niche dating website that seeks to pair adventurous singles with winners of the recent lottery for cabin lots along Yellowknife’s Ingraham Trail. Registered users are grouped into two separate categories: cabin owners and those seeking cabin owners.

Launched over the weekend, the site already boasts over 3000 registered users, despite only 22 cabin lots being awarded at the last lottery. The obvious skew is just one of many signs that cabin owners are the most desirable Yellowknifers by far. “Owning a cabin, or even just a cabin lot,” says dating futurologist Daisy Cutter, “is a sign of immense virility, if you are a male, or a voracious sexual appetite, if you are a female. My extensive research bears this out.”

Yellowknife resident and cabin lottery winner Graham Chantey says he’s never had so much success in such a short period of time while online dating.

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“Normally my online dating profiles are pretty much ignored,” said Chaney, who admitted to having profiles on half-a-dozen dating sites. “But five minutes after posting a profile as a cabin owner, even without a picture, I was getting dozens of flirts and winks. Pretty much every aspect of my life has been changed for the better since I won that lot. I’ve lost seven pounds. My hair has started growing back in. And I’m now immensely virile, too, which is great.”

Of course not all the stories are positive. In part due to the high demand for cabin owners, some less than upright people are taking advantage of the heat attached to cabin owners.

Yellowknife newcomer Sola Samec says she was recently duped by a man who was registered as a cabin owner on the site. “Our first date was naturally at his ‘cabin,’ but it turned out to be just a creepy old converted shipping container. There was no second date. Carl, If you’re reading this, suck it. You were not virile at all.”

Note: None of the above is true.

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