Yellowknife can be a tough place to date. No sooner have you found a decent-looking potential suitor, you realize they dated your cousin back in the day, or half the local baseball team.
This is a very real issue for Yellowknifers, and totally-reliable-though-completely fabricated statistics show 72 percent of the town’s population has made out with someone a close friend got to first.
But fear not, loners! There’s a beacon of hope in the dark tunnel of northern singledom! This takes the form of a festival bringing out-of-towners to our shores year in, year out. Eligible bachelors and bachelorettes from the sprawling metropolises of Hay River, Fort Simpson or even Edmonton and further afield flock to Folk on the Rocks and provide much-needed variety to YKers’ love lives.
To this end, we’ve compiled a few tips to use when you find your special festival ‘friend’ this year:
Festival Flirting Tips:
- You don’t want to give too much away, too soon.
- Ask them their starsign and analyze your compatibility out loud and at length – If compatibility is deemed poor, leave the vicinity immediately. No one likes a time-waster.
- Ask them repeatedly if they are having fun
- Tell them you have a boat – It doesn’t matter whether you have one, the trick is to make them think you have one by dropping nautical phrases into the conversation. Use words like ‘starboard’ and ‘knots.’
- Offer to buy them a meal at a food truck but cap their spending at $6 – This will show you’re generous, but not a pushover.
- Ask the potential love of your life what their spirit animal is – Act accordingly:
- Beaver: Simply say ‘DAAAAAAMN!’
- Fox: Utter something about them being Foxy (Be creative here – this is key)
- Coyote: Leave the area. Coyotes are cunning and will trick you into buying their drinks.
- Bear: Use bear spray to see how they react.
7. Make use of your geographical location:
- Make reference to how you are ‘breaking the ice’ and laugh heartily.
- Tell your companion that they are hotter than the forest fire currently burning 50 kilometres east of Behchoko.
- Ask them if they’d like to watch a sunset with you. Little do they know, the sun doesn’t really set up here. By the time they realize this, you’ll be halfway to Manitoba.
So there you have it, Folks. Foolproof tips to guide you through the festival weekend and ensure you come out the other side with husband/wife material, or at the very least some fond memories. Love long, and prosper and see you on the rocks!
Folk on the Rocks is happening July 17-19 in Yellowknife. For ticket information, go here.
