How to survive Folk on the Rocks (Like a Pro)

Blatantly pilfered from other festival tip sheets (hellooo Glastonbury Guide 2015!) but tailored to suit our northern latitude and unique environment, what you are about to read is a veritable BIBLE of festival dos and don’ts for Folk on the Rocks 2015.

You’re welcome.

Pack all the festival essentials

An air freshener for the washrooms, a portable electric fan for that hot festival weather and a life-size cardboard cut-out of your favourite musician. Make a checklist for the three items listed and check them off one by one the night before the festival. Preparation is key.

Pack some snacks

Fresh saltwater tuna, rare cheeses from France and other hard-to-find items will ensure that you still have your creature comforts, while evoking jealousy from fellow festival goers. It’s a win-win situation.

Learn the lingo

Brush up on your slang by meticulously studying Urban Dictionary entries prior to the festival. Phrases like ‘RAISE THA ROOF’ and ‘THIS PLACE IS THA BOMB, YO’ work exceptionally well and will be universally understood.

If you’re in it for the long haul, bring a beach towel

This writer picked up a fabulous maple leaf emblazoned one for next-to-nothing last week at YKea. You don’t want to be sitting with the other plebeians on the sand, now do you?! Shudder at the thought. Worst comes to worst, pilfer your neighbour’s towel. Straight from the clothesline hanging their front yard. No, they didn’t see you. Just keep walking.

Bring bug spray

But not just any bug spray. Platinum DEEP WOOD Caveman Duo-Nozzle Gold-plated International Insect Spray. Throw mocking glances at anyone with a normal bottle of DEET while lavishly spraying oneself. They think they know… but they have no idea. Beating the bugs in style.

Stay hydrated 

Bring your own champagne flute and refill it at the water stations. Not only will you be a cut above the rest (with their measly solo cups), the champagne flutes double as skittles for some impromptu lawn bowling with your new festival pals.

Wear suitable clothing

Forgo festival trends and the status quo. Extra-wide brimmed sunhats, mumus and joke ties scream LOOK AT ME! But in a good way. Alternatively, wear a festival t-shirt from 2009 from an entirely different festival. You will look cultured and appear to the untrained eye as if you have ‘been around the block’.

Photo by Stephanie Lauren Photography

 

Pace yourself

Use aforementioned champagne flute to ensure you do not go overboard in the fizzy drinks department. No one likes a drunk in a Mumu.

Be nice to the bartender

Tip him/her in gold coins only and look them deep in the left eye as a sign of respect each time a transaction is performed.

Organize transportation

Order your limousine to the festival months in advance, as the demand for this will be high. This is Yellowknife people. Limousines don’t grow on trees.

Identify your vehicle

If you the owner of a Ford F-150, please attach a flag emblazoned with your family crest for identification purposes. For Dodge Rams, please write your name on a ribbon and tie it to a wing mirror. This will avoid confusion at the end of a long day. The last thing anyone wants is spare F-150 trucks lying around unclaimed after the festival weekend is over.

Agree a meeting point with your friends

Examples of great meeting points include: Beside the guy in the green shirt, near the tree with the weird branch, and to the right of stage left.

Avoid the outhouses and porta-potties at all costs

They are beneath you. No really, they are beneath you. Look down the hole.

*For actually useful festival tips, our brand new festival app will be launching very soon with a dedicated section of FAQ’s and festival do’s and don’ts for this years Folk on the Rocks!

If you haven’t already purchased your tickets for this year’s FOTR festival, you can do so here.

 

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