Miltenberger Expands on MMA Comments

Meme-ing the minister | Photo illustration by Mel Leonard

FLAMIN’ RAVEN | Satire

The minister responsible for the NWT Liquor Licensing Board said in an interview with the CBC earlier today that he won’t intervene on behalf of a fight promoter who didn’t get a liquor license in time. Miltenberger added this analogy regarding the troubled event:

“The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals has their name on an application to sponsor an event where a bunch of men are going to get together to beat themselves senseless and bloody to raise money to give back to the SPCA to prevent animals from being beaten senseless and bloody,” he said. “Sort of like Alcoholics Anonymous asking for a license for a beer garden to raise money to help people quit drinking.”

Later in the day, speaking to Flamin’ Raven, Miltenberger sought to clarify his analogy.

“I guess my analogy was not entirely clear. Analogies are tricky. A good analogy is like Fibromyalgia. Not everyone gets it.

“In regards to Warrior Strong Fight League’s declined application, I look at it this way: an event that promotes violence against living creatures seeking a liquor license is like a one-legged mule competing in the Olympics.  And that just doesn’t fly with me. The promoters even admit that mistakes were made and we can’t overlook the incomplete application. Letting one group bend the rules would be like taking the bus to a strange city, finding a cheap motel and then spending the night watching local advertisements for car dealerships.”

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Pressed further about his thoughts on the relationship between alcohol and charities, Miltenberger continued to show his mastery of analogy-manufacturing.

“Look, it’s fairly simple. Dogs are very aware of where the funding for their infrastructure comes from. Asking a dog to accept money from an immoral, barbaric event like this would be like asking your internet service provider to block all domains from countries that end with the letter ‘S.’ My position is pretty clear on this.”

Some still questioned why Miltenberger addressed the morality of a legal event, which should have no bearing on the application process. Miltenberger says in no way was his position on Mixed Martial Arts influential to the Liquor Board’s decision.

“I’m not on the liquor board, I’m the minister responsible for overseeing it.” said Miltenberger. “Asking me to reverse their decision would be like asking a young married couple who just moved to Canada to escape political persecution to choose between Miracle Whip and Hellmann’s. I literally could not be any clearer on this.”

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