Satire: Fish biologist concerned about declining pool of singles on Plenty of Fish

Alan Farid, an attractive 31-year-old who enjoys many outdoor activities, moved to Yellowknife four years ago. After his marriage ended in divorce, he signed up for the popular dating network Plenty Of Fish to move on with his life. But after careful analysis and sampling of the local single population, the results were shocking.

Alan spoke via phone due to a couple of stalking incidents that caused him to decline a face-to-face chat.

“The lack of quality and availability amongst the species paints a scary picture for most single people in the North. In a lot of cases, the profiles aren’t even real people,” he said. Alan speculates about 20 per cent of the profiles are fake, either to hide their identity due to a relationship, or to catch the infidelity of their current partner in an online game of catfish.

Amongst legitimate accounts, the biggest problem is an unwillingness to undergo normal mating rituals.

“One lady, who we’ll call ‘Tracy,’ wanted to know if I was free between one and three a.m. that night. Then she asked if I could host because she had ‘family’ there. I assume she meant her husband and kids,” he said.

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Another potential suitor named “Big Betty” told Alan that because he was shirtless in his picture, he must be comfortable sending nudes to strangers. “I had no idea what Snapchat is, but she was insistent on me trying it out. BIG mistake,” Alan recalled with audible disgust. “It wasn’t until the third picture that I realized it was her vagina.”

Alan even spent time introducing himself to some men on the site. Considering himself mildly bisexual, he felt he might have better luck that way.

“I should have clued in to the fact that many of the profile pictures of gay or bisexual men on the site looked like amateur porn stars,” he noted. “Without exception, these profiles were women pretending to be men to cast a wider net to catch more men. One even sent me a picture of Betty’s vagina. Nice try, Betty.”

For now, Alan says he’s done with online dating, but is so scared of the dating pool, he’s resolved to find ways to entertain himself.

His background in biology might help. “Right now I’m researching asexual reproduction. The results aren’t materializing, but the research is at least very gratifying.”

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