SATIRE | Flamin’ Raven
The Department of Justice announced today that they plan on coming to the aid of the city and its growing crime problem with 2.5 million dollars in funding, which they want to put towards a “vigilante fund.” Details about the fund, which will be augmented by another million dollars from the City, are slim so far.
A brief press conference held on the steps of city hall saw Justice Commissioner David Gordon make several bold declarations, while answering few direct questions.
“Drugs have brought the criminal element to our fair city” a defiant Commissioner Gordon told a crowd of hundreds of residents and half a dozen reporters. “Just as illicit substances have attracted the wrong kind of people, we hope this fund will attract… a different kind of person.”
Many residents have expressed concerns over a growing amount of violent crimes occurring in Yellowknife in recent months. Commissioner Gordon spoke directly about these concerns. “The night is darkest just before the dawn,” he stated. “And I promise you, the dawn is coming.”
Questions regarding what the money would be spent on were answered vaguely.
“I can only say we are in the planning stages of building a high-tech surveillance bunker in an abandoned local mine. Construction should begin as soon as we get all the bats out of there.” During the press conference, construction crews could be seen installing a large beacon on the roof of City Hall, with what appeared to be a bird (perhaps a raven?) or some other winged creature on it.
A spokesperson for the mayor release a short statement following Gordon’s appearance.
“As per this morning’s press conference, the City would like to confirm that we are in league with Justice to tackle the growing crime problem. There are a lot of jokers coming to our town and we will not grant them asylum.”
Critics of the fund say that solving violence with violence is no answer at all. “This kind of bizarre, comic-book style response to what is obviously the result of a series of complicated and interlocking social issues is just bananas,” said Cindy Dockermeyer-Fuller of the Northern Centre For Talking, Discussion and Negotiation. “The mayor and Commissioner Gordon are living out some kind of male adolescent fantasy on the taxpayer’s dime.”
Reached for comment to address the criticism, Commissioner Gordon gave an audible sigh over the phone, and stated: “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.”
At press time, representatives for the city said they were disappointed that the only response to the campaign so far had been a brief visit from a confused Ben Affleck, as well as a property claim on the abandoned mine by local eccentric millionaire Les Rocher.